God at the Heart of Darkness

Catherine of Siena’s Way by Mary Ann Fatula (p.83) As in the evening Chapter Reading as part of Compline, I have been listening to the community reading of the book, Catherine of Siena’s Way. It happens at times there is nothing to grip the attention. But this evening, the regular Thursday Discussion ended quickly and for once the Reading seemed to shine with significance. The Holy Spirit can speak like this as in the prompting of this passage. GOD AT THE HEART OF DARKNESS: After a long period of these trials, Catherine seemed to experience one day a new light from the Holy Spirit. She began to understand that this struggle was in fact an answer to her own prayer for the gift of faith and courage, and she resolved to stand steadfast in it for as long as the Lord desired. In the light of this new understanding, the Lord made his presence known to her. Catherine begged him to tell her why he had abandoned her: "Where were you, Lord, while my heart was suffering the agony of all those horrors?" When the Lord answered that he had been present in her heart the entire time, she asked him how this could be, since her heart had been filled with "obscene and abominable thoughts." Jesus asked her who had kept her faithful and caused her to feel grief rather than delight at these tempta­tions: "Was it not I myself, hidden in your heart's core? .. It was I who was working in you all this time. Hidden in your heart, I was guarding it from your enemies on every side." This experience so impressed itself upon Catherine that she would later encourage others with the truth she had learned during this time. She realized that even when we love God, we often grow "not only lukewarm but altogether cold." Discouraged at feeling no love for God, we often give up prayer entirely and in this way only weaken ourselves still more." But Catherine herself learned that we most need to pray when we least feel like praying, because the time of trial greatly increases our self-knowledge and dependence on God. "This knowledge is more perfectly gained in time of temptation, because then you know that you are nothing, since you have no power to relieve yourself of sufferings and troubles you would like to escape."